Uncle Vern's haunting question

My family is strangely insightful...or maybe just insightfully strange. Whichever the case may be I am constantly astonished at the number of times a member of my family makes a statement or asks a question that stops me in my tracks and makes me recalibrate my mind. Over 18 months ago, at our son's first birthday party, Uncle Vern asked me what seemed like an innocent question. He said "So tell me, what have you learned about being a parent now that you have a year of experience." I was a little stumped. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it probably had something to do with the books being of little help and having to make it all up as we went along.

While I've seen Vern a dozen times or so since then, I'm sure he's never given this conversation another thought or maybe he even forgot about it completely. However, I think about it very often. What have I learned? Mostly I've learned what not to do. Don't yell when the baby spills or drops something because they haven't mastered fine motor skills. Don't make a big fuss when the baby won't eat, that just makes them too upset to swallow. Simple things like that. But it was at our annual Chinese New Year Feast that it occurred to me that I really did learn a few things. Maybe not about being a parent, but I have learned a few things about children and hopefully, I can translate that into some parental skills.

These might be obvious to everyone else, but to me, these things were dramatic revelations.

1) Children learn faster than we do. Our kid is learning three different languages as well as learning how to recognize words when he sees them. Rudimentary reading. I can barely speak English and know a smattering of German, Spanish and ASL. Everyday he says a new word and I'm so shocked by it that I normally need to ask him to repeat it a few times before I understand what he's saying. Imagine if you could learn a new word every day. Worlds of new knowledge would open up to us every few weeks even at that simple pace.

2) Children are naturally fearless. They are only afraid of what we tell them is scary. Think about it. Kids will climb up and on anything they can. Only when they fall a few times do they start to become leery of the height. They look to us for our reaction. If they fall down and are obviously not hurt, yet we react like they just broke their arm, they will learn that whatever they were doing should probably upset them too. I've seen many kids fall down, not get hurt and then scan the room to see if anyone makes a move toward them. At that first motion, they start to cry. They may have been looking for attention, or they may have just learned that they should be afraid of the action. I'm still processing this one.

3) Children look at strangers much differently than adults do. In a city like ours, strangers are mostly harmless, but everyone keeps to themselves while out in public. Being in the big city of Chicago was a little strange for me, not only because there were so many people that it eliminated the personal space I was used to enjoying, but the setting forced social interaction. I remember talking to a lady that was seated at a table butted up against ours. For her, it was normal to talk to a stranger at the cafe. For me it was totally foreign. But the really interesting thing was that the kid didn't care. He doesn't see strangers. He will touch waitresses butts as they walk by (which makes me point at him as soon as they turn around), try to get into women's purses, eat off of other plates if he gets too close, and is not afraid to get a hug from someone he just likes the look of. Social barriers do not exist. I guess this goes back to point 2. They don't know that all strangers are not thinking in their best interests and they should be afraid of some of them. While he happily smiles at everyone we pass, I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible while constantly looking for escape routes. Yeah, I got issues. But hopefully I can learn from the little guy. While I know that as a parent, I should be leery of strangers, but on the other hand, does that mean that I should treat them all as potential kidnappers?

4) Children do not care about skin color. This is really interesting to me and it directly relates to point number 2. Racists are not born, they are trained. While skin color matters little to me, I must admit that when I describe someone, I will think about skin color as one of the defining characteristics, just like a beard or eyeglasses. It's like that book by John Grisham (A Time to Kill) "When you see me, do you see a man? Or do you see a black man?" I have to censor myself when I speak so that skin color does not enter the conversation. The fact that I think about it bothers and offends me. Yet somewhere I learned and it's only with effort that it does not enter conversation. While I think that racism is the wrong word because we are really all the same race, I still bothered when I hear someone make a judgement about someone because of something so silly and uncontrollable. My son will run up to a woman of any color and start flirting with her. While he prefers older women, anyone that is his size fascinates him and he runs to them so he can play. It doesn't matter where we are, he sees all kids as playmates and all adults as good people who don't mean him any harm. Why can't we all do that? Just accept people for the things they say and do.

Maybe the biggest thing I learned about being a parent is that I can learn a lot from my child. Seems like I recall a Jewish man saying something similar while he was preaching in the streets. Come with wide eyes and innocent thoughts. Come with no prejudices or spite. Come knowing full well that our needs will be met before we even know we have them. Come with complete and unwavering trust and faith that we will find the love we seek, the direction we need and protection we deserve. Come with hope. Come with joy. And come with an open heart that does not comprehend hatred.

I hope this is a better answer Uncle Vern. I'm sure more will follow.