One of my last demons

As many of you know, I've been doing a lot of growing for the past decade or so. I've inventoried my life and discovered the things I feel to be important, and eliminated the things I feel to be detrimental. A large part of this was the notion that I could change the way I reacted to situations, because no one is responsible for my feelings, but me. Sure, we can be hurt and offended, but how long are you going to let that bother you? Let that emotion swim around inside you for a while, let it do its work (which is to remind you what you hold dear and why it is important) and then let it go. Life is too short to stew on pain.

A friend who stood near me during a particularly troublesome time in my life recently asked me, "How are your demons doing?" and it got me to thinking. The things that were haunting me back then are largely gone. Those bad attitudes and thoughts that bound me during that time are now only memories. Vanquished, now that proper defenses have been built to ward off future attacks. So as I was recounting the demons of my past and rejoicing that they had all been removed from the scene, I was also reminded of a few new ones that had cropped up. While no where near as dangerous as the ones from the past, they are niggling harassers that need to be managed, and in some cases focused, if not eliminated all together.

While I was introspecting, the one demon that kept jumping up in my life was hatred. I am filled with hate. Which is weird because anyone that knows me will tell you that I am easy going, accepting and generally fun to be around. So it bothered me. Why do I hate...what do I hate? So being the student of humanity that I am, I started writing a list of things I hate. Upon that list was local hunger, the abuse of the elderly, young and impaired, anger, violence, envy, and elitism. The list went on, but it was all things of this nature.

So I taped this list up to the wall and walked around it, gazing into it to discover what, if anything was the root cause. What was it that I really hated? Oddly enough, that list also included hate, which I found amusing in that way that only I find myself funny. So I started to read the list out loud to see what would happen. I found myself becoming increasingly agitated as I spat out each item on the list. At first it was tolerable. But by the end of the list I was hissing the words with tears streaming down my cheeks while I trembled uncontrolled. I crumpled the paper, threw it across the room and then realized that my hatred was almost righteous. WHAT? How is that possible? So I thought about this notion of Righteous Hatred for about an hour...and then something happened.

I remembered a Bible verse. Not one really...but nearly a dozen. Exodus, Psalms, Amos, Romans, and Revelation all jumped into my head. I started to flip through the Bible my Aunt and Uncle gave me for high school graduation, it was the closest one. It didn't take me long to find it in each case. Spelled out most eloquently, however was Romans 12:9. "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil and cling to what is good." (NIV) WOW....there is such a thing as righteous hatred!

Well, hating what is evil is pretty broad though. Sure, we all hate to hear stories of murder and terrorism. That is low hanging fruit on the hate tree. But what is at the root of most evil. Well, the Bible says that the "Love of Money" is at the root of all evil. That is certainly true enough. I've fallen into that trap before myself. The pursuit of money can make us do crazy things if that is our primary focus. But in my estimation, even the love of money has a root cause. And that root cause is the new focus of my hatred.

Weakness.

I now hate every shred of weakness in my being. When I fret about paying the bills, I hate that I don't trust that I've been given the right talent and job to provide for my family. When I find myself becoming upset at another driver who is making me more late than I already am, I hate that I didn't make the time to leave earlier, and now I'm trying to blame MY problem on someone else...who is probably also having a rough day. I have made it my new mission to eliminate weakness. Why do we hate other people? Because we are too weak to allow for the possibility that someone else might have a valid opinion. Why do we kill and hurt each other? Because we are too weak to deal with issues in any other way. Why do we strut around flexing our muscles and make threats to prove how tough we are? Because we are too weak to realize that just being who we are will attract respect.

Weakness sucks. I'm tired of it. It's time for that demon to go.